How did I get here?

Every story of loss is different and the only commonality is the loss itself. Here’s mine.

Towards the end of our meal, I got up to use the restroom and noticed there was a message for me from Green. It simply read “Please call me.”

I was in Miami for work and had only gotten there a few hours before. This was a Big Deal trip; I work in wine and our company had formed a partnership with a heavy hitter in the industry. I was in Miami, along with my favorite colleague, to represent our company at a major event.

My husband Bill was very happy for me. We’d both kind of felt stuck in our careers recently, but this job was a good fit. The company quickly increased my responsibilities, and now, to represent them for such an important event, well – this was big. And Bill was so proud.

I talked to him after I’d landed, while I was waiting in line for a rental car. He was driving up to our house in Clearlake, CA. We’d just bought it 8 months before and we would head up there as often as we could. We were so thrilled to have finally found a place that was ours.

We couldn’t live there full time just yet, so one of Bill’s colleagues moved into the free-standing cottage on the property. Green had been looking for something to get out of the city, so this was win-win.

As soon as I read the text from Green, I knew something awful had happened. I called immediately and he told me Bill had fallen over and was brought to the ER. As far as he knew, Bill was still alive. I walked as calmly as I could back to my table and told Jeff “I have to go.” I sputtered out what I knew as best as I could while Jeff scrambled to take care of the bill. We went back to the hotel, packed me up, and Jeff brought me to the airport. I was largely silent on the way because my mind was frozen with fear. I could NOT lose Bill. He was my world. We’d only been married 4.5 years.

At the airport, I tried to get a flight out while I was calling the hospital and trying to get a hold of his doctor. He finally called me back and told me that Bill had died. I don’t even remember exactly what he said. I do remember crying “Why didn’t you tell me right away? Why did you let me hope for 20 minutes that my husband was still here?” I slid to the floor and just wept. I tried to call his daughter, his sisters, my mother, my best friend but I don’t remember who I got through to or what I said at all.

There were no flights going out at that point, so Jeff booked me on one for early the next morning. I had to go back to the hotel and just wait through the night, knowing I just lost the best person I’d ever met.

Welcome to Hell.