Intentionally Speaking

I began to think through what people say to someone who’s been recently widowed, and that put me on the directionless path of “dos and don’ts” – really, why clean lists like that are ever published is beyond me. I think we all have our own pet peeves when it comes to what people say, but that can be different for every grieving person. Instead, it’s more helpful to focus on intentions. 

Although we really ought to be focusing on other things, we need to keep in mind that anything that someone says to us is likely said out of love, either for us or for the deceased. That’s hard to swallow at times. One of my husband’s relatives said something fairly unkind on one of my social media posts. However, I knew she was hurting and was looking for the source. When the source is death itself, people look for more tangible sources and I was it. Appropriate? Of course not, but compassion for her loss helped me not have a total meltdown. After all, she lost her only brother. And, she knew him a helluva a lot longer than I did. That’s got to hurt, deeply. 

Another very odd thing someone said to me was “Wow, that [i.e., Bill’s death] really makes you think!” About… what? Death? Ok, but a few weeks after losing him and being surrounded by reminders of his death, I really did not want to think about… death. (I can’t remember now if I replied but I believe I just said “Thank you.)

My fairly wayward point here is to focus on the intention behind the comment or action. Awkward comments may hurt but they’re most likely made because the commenter has no idea what to say. How could they? They haven’t been through something similar and are just grasping at straws to comfort you. Forgive them for that. Comments that may seem hurtful may be coming from a place of pain, like with my relative. Again, forgive them. You have enough going on. Don’t add anger to it. 

So what can you, the friend of the recently widowed, do to turn your good intentions into helpful actions? I have a few ideas of what would have – and still would – helped me…

1. Offer help. Then back off. I know everyone means well by bringing over food, but I was one person, and one person with zero appetite. I felt so badly throwing away so much food that I simply couldn’t get to. It would have been much more helpful to have it spaced out. In the first few weeks, the outpouring is quite frankly overwhelming but then everyone goes home and you’re left to try to make sense of a life that doesn’t exist anymore. Having some of that food then would have been way more helpful. 
2. Plan get togethers, understand if plans are canceled – and then back off. Dudes, I *still* can’t predict when I’ll start crying and it’s been four months. There’s no way I could have a few weeks after losing Bill. If I tell you I’m not up for something, believe me on that. I am not looking forward to a night crying at home, but I’d really enjoy a public panic attack less. So would you.
3. If you say “If you need anything…”, mean it. As Larry David said, you can’t make an empty gesture to a Funkhouser. You can, certainly, to a widow, but should you? Not cool.
4. Follow through. Check in on them a week later, a month later, a year later. Understand if they don’t answer you right away. There’s no rhyme or reason to any of this. 
5. Ask yourself of your own intentions, and be honest about it. Do you really want to help? Is it out of love for the widow or the deceased? If so, go ahead. If not – for whatever reason – keep quiet. Silence is better than reaching out with selfish reasons because those will be found out at some point – and that’s never pretty.
6. If you want to visit, please offer to find accommodation first. I’d LOVE to see every one of my friends right now but I still need a paycheck. I also don’t have the emotional energy to host all the time. If the widow insists on you staying with them, ok, then, go for it. But please, please have accommodation ready before even mentioning it. 

Of course, everyone is different and everyone grieves differently. Ultimately, before you talk or offer help to a friend/ colleague/ whatever who recently lost a partner, ask yourself simply “Is this what I would want to hear?” If there’s even a hint of no, reframe it into something that feels better. You’ll be appreciate it.

Peace and love, J.