Rising

A good friend lost her husband, suddenly, eight months before I lost Bill. J also died of a massive heart attack, and T is 364 days older than me. While she and I are very different in many ways, we joke “because, Aries” for the similarities. We’re both strong and have chosen the-road-less-traveled paths in life. 

As the anniversary of J’s death approached, she and I talked a bit about the past year. As devastating as it’s been for her, she said something remarkable: She is becoming the person she was meant to be. 

I totally get this. Bill was my balance. We were so different that he anchored me and balanced me out, and I mean that in the best possible ways. I’d been quite adrift in life before Bill and he gave me love and a home and stability. 

What he also gave me, though, was unshakable confidence because I now know that I am capable of being a good wife and partner. And the aforementioned strength was something he loved about me. Significantly, he never tried to change me or restrict me in any way. I love to travel and used to like taking off to go places by myself, which tended not to please partners too much. With Bill, he would cheer me on and just express his concern about my safety, which is totally legit. He also was so fun to travel with that I no longer wanted to take off on my own if he could come with me. 

This is all to say that I deeply understand what T meant: I am becoming the person I was meant to be. After the biggest choice of all in life was made for me, everything else was then up to me: would I crumble? Would I retreat from the world? Would I give up? The answer is a resounding no, and I’ve actually been reconnecting with things that I love. 

I was very into yoga when I was younger and I’ve started going again. Since Bill has died, I don’t like anything that makes me feel not present (i.e. sleep aids) and for the first time in my life, I feel completely present when I’m in a yoga class. I also have been exploring zen and meditation more; a slight interest in the past, I turned to meditation to try to help settle my jumbled emotions. It’s helped enormously and it’s opened a vast open door of spirituality that I’d previously eschewed. And I’ve been hiking, running, swimming… moving, stretching, connecting with my body and nature. 

The biggest thing of all, though, is travel and I have been toying with where to go next winter. I simply have not been able to take a vacation this year and won’t before December. I *just* booked yoga retreat in Zanzibar for February. I’d never really thought of going to Zanzibar but this blend of distance and peace feels incredibly right. 

No matter what, I know that…

Just like moons and like suns,

With the certainty of tides,

Just like hopes springing high,

Still I’ll rise.